Thursday, 16 May 2013
This is What a Bad Day Looks Like
I haven't blogged lately, and the reason for that is that I have been feeling too exhausted to manage it, and also progressively more depressed. Well, a problem shared is a problem halved, or is that a problem for two people... I don't know, maybe we can divide the burden between us and so make it easy to carry, and if you have a burden too I will carry a little bit of yours. Teamwork!
I have pretty much lost all hope lately. I am feeling steadily worse and starting to think that a future of increasing disablement lies ahead of me. Driving is one of the biggest problems, I am finding it increasingly hard to focus and I don't know what we will do if I can't drive safely any more, and also I have to be able to manage to care for the children on my own when my husband goes on business trips, otherwise he can't keep his business going. The future feels very scary with health, finances and so on, as well as other family pressures which unavoidably fall to me.
My eldest is in year 12 at school and talking about her university choices, and I am worried about how they will all cope with us being unable to give them any financial help at all, especially as I have heard that in some places the maximum student loan isn't even enough to pay hall fees. And for myself? Old age on a state pension (if I can get anything from the government by then, considering I have paid almost no tax in my entire life) in a grotty flat barely able to move around, if I am lucky enough not to be in a wheelchair by then?
I still keep coming up with ideas and plans so I still have a little life left in me, but I have absolutely no energy left to put them into practice. The school run is getting harder and harder, cooking tea now seems really hard and I started to get tearful today just at needing to carry the pans to the table.
As well as being intolerably exhausted and the constant all over soreness, I am bored stiff and so sad about all the things I will never do, places I will never go and so on. I never forget how blessed I am to have my family but even that is bittersweet as I feel I am failing them so badly by being as I am I can't get away from feeling that it is my fault and I should just be able to force myself to go back to everything I was doing previously when I was feeling better -all the exercise, and being dairy, corn, alcohol and sugar and white carb free like I was then, as well as the gluten and caffeine free which I have sustained.
Well, what can I say? All I can do is carry on as best I can, and if I have to stop doing the useful things I do now, and end up confined to the sofa/ bed or whatever, well I will just have to find a way to live with it.